1616.9792
WHEN
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When

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FRIEND

HAS

AIDS***

ILLINOIS STATE LIBRARY
FEB 2 ^ 1992

ILLINOIS DOCUMENTS

^ ^hile serious illness is a fact of everyday
life, AIDS has posed new challenges for
^r^^everyone involved: not only individuals
with AIDS, but also their friends. People who are in
the prime of their lives have become ill, and their
prospects for a long life may be severely affected.
Their situation is not an isolated one, but Is shared
by people close to them.

When someone you know becomes III, especially
with a serious Illness like AIDS, you may feel
helpless or inadequate. If this person is a good
friend you may say, "Just call if you need anything."
Then out of fear or Insecurity you may dread the
call, if it comes. Here are some thoughts and sugges¬
tions that may help you to help someone who is ill.

^ Try not to avoid your friend. Be there — it
instills hope. Be the friend, the loved one you've
always been, especially now when it is most
important.

V Touch your friend. A simple squeeze of the
hand or a hug can let him or her know that you
care. (You needn't be afraid.. .you can not contact
AIDS by simply touching.. .and hugs are very
reassuring.)

^ Call and ask if It is okay to come for a visit. Let
your friend make the decision. He/she may not feel
up to a visitor that day. You can always visit on
another occasion. Now is a time when your friend¬
ship can help keep loneliness and fear at a distance.

V Respond to your friend's emotions. Weep with
your friend when he/she weeps. Laugh when your
friend laughs. It's healthy to share these intimate
experiences. They enrich you both.

V Call and say you would like to bring a favorite
dish. Ask what day and time would be best for you
to come. Spend time sharing a meal.

V Go for a walk or outing, but ask about and
know your friend's limitations.

Offer to help answer any correspondence
which may be giving some difficulty or which your
friend may be avoiding.

V Call your friend and find out if anything is
needed from the store. Ask for a shopping list and
make a delivery to your friend's house.

^ Celebrate holidays and life with your friend by
offering to decorate the home or hospital room.
Bring flowers or other special treasures. Include
your friend in your holiday festivities. A holiday
doesn't have to be marked on a calendar, you can
make every day a holiday.

/6 • ’fyfo-

vyry

If Check in with your friend's lover, care-partner,
or roommate. They may need a break from time to
time. Offer to care for the person with AIDS in
order to give the loved ones some free time. Invite
them out. Remember, they may need someone to
talk with as well.

¥ Your friend may be a parent. Ask about the
children. Offer to bring them to visit.

¥ Be creative. Bring books, periodicals, taped
music, a poster for the wall, home-baked cookies or
delicacies to share. All of these can bring warmth
and joy.

¥ It's okay to ask about the illness, but be sensitive
to whether your friend wants to discuss it. You can
find out by asking: "Would you like to talk about
how you're feeling?" However, don't pressure.

¥ Like everyone else a person with AIDS can have
both good and bad days. On good days treat your
friend as you would any other friend. On the bad
days, however, treat your friend with extra care and
compassion.

¥ You don't always have to talk. It's okay to sit
together silently reading, listening to music,
watching television... holding hands. Much can be
expressed without words.

¥ Can you take your friend somewhere? Transpor¬
tation may be needed to a treatment.. .to the store
or bank.. .to the physician.. .or perhaps to a
movie. How about Just a ride to the beach or
the park?

¥ Tell your friend how good he/she looks, but
only if It is realistic. If your friend's appearance has
changed, don't Ignore it. Be gentle, yet remember,
never lie.

¥ Encourage your friend to make decisions. Illness
can cause a loss of control over many aspeas of life.
Don't deny your friend a chance to make decisions,
no matter how simple or silly they may seem to
you.

¥ Tell your friend what you'd like to do to help. If
your friend agrees to your request, do it. Keep any
promises you make.

¥ Be prepared for your friend to get angry with
you for "no obvious reason", although It feels that
you've been there and done everything you could.
Remember, anger and frustration are often taken
out on the people most loved because it's safe and
will be understood.

¥ Gossip can be healthy. Keep your friend up to

date on mutual friends and other common interests.
Your friend may be tired of talking about symptoms,
doaors and treatments.

¥ What's in the news? Discuss current events.
Help keep your friend from feeling that the world is
passing by.

¥ Offer to do household chores, perhaps taking
out the laundry, washing dishes, watering plants,
feeding and walking pets. This may be appreciated
more than you realize. However, don't do what
your friend wants and can do for him/herself.

Ask before doing anything.

¥ Send a card that says simply "I carel"

¥ If your friend is religious, ask If you could pray
together. Spirituality can be very important at times
such as these.

¥ Don't leaure or direct your anger at your friend
if he/she seems to be handling the illness in a way
that you think is inappropriate. You may not unders¬
tand what the feelings are and why certain choices
are being made.

¥ Help your friend understand any feeling of
blame regarding the illness. Remind your friend that
lifestyles don't cause diseases, germs do. This may
be especially hard for both your friend and you.
Help however you can.

¥ If you and your friend are going to engage in
sex, be Informed about the precautions which make
sex safer for both of you. Follow them. Be imagina¬
tive. ..

.. .touching, stroking, and massage can also be
fun.

¥ A loving family member can be a source of
strength. Remember that by being a friend or lover
you are also a part of the family.

¥ Do not confuse acceptance of the illness with
defeat. This acceptance may free your friend and
give a sense of his/her own power.

¥ Don't allow your friend or the care-partner to
become Isolated. Let them know about the support
groups and other concrete, practical services offered
without charge by the SF AIDS Foundation, the SF
AIDS Fund, the AIDS Health Project, SF Hospice and
Shanti Project.

¥ Talk about the future with your
friend.. .tomorrow, next week, next year. It's good
to look toward the future without denying the
reality of today.

¥ Bring a positive attitude. It's catching.

^ Finally, take care of yourselfl Recognize your
own emotions and honor them. Share your grief,
anger, feelings of helplessness or whatever Is com¬
ing up for you with others. Getting the support you
need during this crisis will help you to be there for
your friend.

A lthough these thoughts are meant primarily for
the most at risk communities for AIDS in
San Francisco, they are relevant to all who are
terminally ill.

This brochure was originally conceived of and
developed by Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates of
New York. This version was created with permission
of Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates by the San
Francisco Community Partnership on AIDS. The
Partnership wishes to thank Chelsea Associates for
their ongoing innovative efforts to produce
sensitive materials to help all of us cope with the
AIDS epidemic.

The San Francisco Community Partnership on AIDS
is a coalition of groups in San Francisco committed
to fostering a well-coordinated response to the
AIDS crisis. The members of the Partnership include:
• ACUJ Northern California Gay Rights Chapter
• Alice B. Toklas Lesbian/Gay Democratic Club
• Bay Area Lawyers for Individual Freedom
• Bay Area Physicians for Human Rights
• Committee to Preserve Our Civil Liberties
• Concerned Republicans for Individual Rights
• Golden Gate Business Association
• People with AIDS-San Francisco
• San Francisco AIDS Foundation
• Stonewall Gay Democratic Club

Distributed by the Illinois
Department of Public Health

for further information call
the AIDS Hotline
1-800-AID-AIDS

^ (Toll-free in Illinois)

" ..

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBANA

3 0112 122614610

Written by Chelsea Psychotherapy Associates
Distributed by: Impact AIDS, Inc.

3692 - 18th Street • San Francisco, CA 94110
415-861-3397